


Burn Up. Fade Away.

by romanticalgirl



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Break Up, Mental Health Issues, Other, Season Finale, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 12:30:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3692343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey's thoughts/feelings through the Season 5 finale</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burn Up. Fade Away.

Ian ran away.

From his family. From his life. From Mickey.

He did everything. 

And it wasn’t enough.

**

He’s fucked her before, but that was also before Ian. Before he admitted to himself who he was. He’s probably bisexual somewhere on the fucking spectrum Mandy tried to tell him about once, but he’s pretty sure he just wants Ian. That’s the reason he can’t get his dick hard, why he can’t come. Why it’s taking an hour and he’s not even close. 

All he can think about is Ian. 

And even thinking about Ian isn’t enough because he’s inside her and she sounds wrong and feels wrong and his heart tells him he’s cheating and his brain tries to rationalize it that a girl isn’t cheating and that fucking little voice in the back of his head tells him that Ian cheated on him.

And in the end it doesn’t matter.

Because Ian’s gone.

**

He doesn’t leave messages. 

There’s no point. If Ian won’t talk to him, he doesn’t want to hear what Mickey has to say. Doesn’t want to hear Mickey ask if he’s okay. Ask him to come home.

Doesn’t want Mickey.

At some point Mickey’s going to have to accept that. He’s prolonging the inevitable. The problem is that he doesn’t know who he is without Ian. Ian is so ingrained into who he is now that being without him feels like being lost.

He’s not who he used to be. Ian changed him.

Mickey thinks for the better, but he’s not sure what that means for him now.

Not sure who he is now.

Except that, whoever he is, he’s not the person Ian wants anymore.

**

He swears it’ll be the last time he calls. 

It’s an arbitrary decision, but it’s one he has to make. 

He’s standing outside of the fucking park watching guys pick up other guys and he tries one last time hoping that Ian will answer. Hoping like hell that it’s not over.

He lets it ring. 

He knows what he’s going to do. He knows who he’s picked. He’s nothing like Ian. He’s a twink, but he’s nothing like Ian. Mickey knows he’s going to fuck him. He knows that he’s going to pin him to the wall and pound him until Ian’s out of his head.

He also knows it’s not going to work.

But Ian doesn’t answer.

Which is answer enough.

**

His heart stops when he sees Ian’s name.

His heart stops again.

And then it breaks.

**

He spends the rest of the night throwing up and crying. 

He crumples Ian’s picture in his fist.

He sits on his bed and looks for anything Ian’s left in his house, realizing there are pieces of Ian everywhere. Even if Mickey got rid of everything, the memory of Ian is still there. He looks at his phone in the off chance there’s a message.

There’s not. 

There’s not going to be.

He goes into his contacts and thumbs through them. There’s no one else under I. Just Ian. 

It’s always been just Ian.

Mickey rubs his hand over his mouth and closes his eyes.

And presses delete.

**

He hasn’t slept in a week. He’s not sure he’ll ever sleep again.

His hand shakes when he lifts the cigarette to his mouth. 

His phone is silent. 

He goes to the window and looks out at the sky. He can’t see shit because of the lights. He needs to move on. Maybe leave Chicago. He may not amount to much anywhere, but he definitely won’t amount to much here. Mandy’s gone. Svetlana’s left with Yevgeny. Ian’s gone.

There’s nothing holding him here.

Mickey expected to knock some chick up and be married and grow up to be just like his dad. Angry, trapped, and afraid. Hiding who and what he really is behind the easier lies. He never expected Ian. Never expected to fall in love.

**

He could go to prison. 

Confess to killing someone and be gone. No more death penalty in Illinois, so the worst he’d get is life. Not like anyone would testify on his behalf.

In prison at least he wouldn’t have to feel. Care. Hurt.

In prison he’d be right where everyone expected him to end up.

Everyone except Ian.

And himself. Since Ian.

Not so much anymore.

**

It was easy, he thinks. Easy for Ian to walk away. Mickey wishes he could wonder why, but he knows. The flame never comes to the moth.

Not being enough is like being nothing. Maybe he needs nothingness right now.

Debbie said he can’t drink Ian away.

Doesn’t mean he can’t try.


End file.
